Most Insulting Elegant Letter to Office Employees

How can one forget the great recession of 2008-2009! Some companies were badly affected while others were not at all. Nonetheless, all of them screwed their employees in the name of recession. Hire and fire policy was followed to the heart’s content. Not to talk of pay deduction, forced leaves and extended work hours. Given the situation employees had to go through, it wouldn’t be wrong to say that they had been financially raped. If some spice is added (for fun) to the management’s circular to its employees,  here is how it would look like.

Dear employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

bankrupt-employeePersons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants and Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.